tlhIngan-Hol Archive: Fri Sep 13 08:43:50 2002
[Date Prev][Date Next][Thread Prev][Thread Next]
Re: Do'meHghach
I haven't seen a response to this, probably because it is well beyond the
normal functions of the KLBC header it was posted under. Therefore, I hope
the BG forgives me for stepping in.
From: "Kevin Brake" <[email protected]>
> Greetings,
> I got the idea to translate O Fortuna from Carmina Burana, so I did.
Translating something like this is bound to come out badly -- poetry and
song never really translate well. Nonetheless, here are some of my
comments. I haven't attempted to critique them on their artistic value; I'm
not sure how to judge it.
> Do'meHghach
You say the literal translation of this is "the cause of luck," so I presume
you meant /Do'moHghach/. Still, I have no idea how to translate a word with
both /-moH/ and /-ghach/ in it. I don't think it's "the cause of luck."
Maybe something like /San Sovlu'be'bogh/ "unknown fate" could work here.
> dotlh choHtaH, maS rur
Capitalize the /D/, of course.
> reH tInchoHtaH ghap machchoHtaH
The /-taH/'s here aren't really doing much; the /reH/ takes care of the
"always" part. Also, you've got the wrong conjunction.
reH tInchoH pagh machchoH
It is always getting bigger or smaller.
> yIn qabbej
We don't know that we can add Type 6 suffixes to verbs acting adjectivally,
but we DO know that we can add rovers to them. Try /yIn qabqu'/ "very bad
life."
> DaH HubtaH
Instead of "Now it is defending" for "now holding out," how about /DaH
SIQtaH/ "Now it is enduring"?
> vaj yab jej DaSujchoHmeH qujmey lo'taH
The /vaj/ here is wrong; the line is "and then troubling / the keen mind
with games." This kind of "then" is represented by /ghIq/.
Capitalize the /Q/ in /Qujmey/.
/DaSujchoHmeH/ "in order that you begin to be troubled it" is clearly
nonsensical. A possible translation might be /ghIq yab jej SaHmoHmeH Qujmey
lo'taH/ "Then it is using games to concern the keen mind."
Good use of /yab jej/.
> chepHa'ghach woQ je tet, chuch rur
I like the word /chepHa'ghach/ for "poverty"!
/tet/ means "melt," not "be melted," so the word order you want here is /tet
chepHa'ghach woQ je; chuch rur/ "poverty and power melt like ice."
Nice use of similies!
> SaHbeghach San chIchHa'
I'm not sure why you tried to use a /-ghach/'d verb here. I also think you
meant /chIm/, not /chIch/. For "Inhuman and empty fate," I might try
/SaHbe'bogh San 'ej chImbogh/ "Uncaring and empty fate."
> jIrbogh jIrwI' saH
You meant /SoH/, not /SaH/, I think. /jIrbogh jIrwI'/ "rotating thing which
rotates" seems a little redundant to me; besides, we now have a word for
"wheel": /rutlh/. /jIrtaHbogh rutlh SoH/ "You are a rotating wheel."
(Notice also the /-taH/, which makes it a wheel in motion.)
> Doch moH
This is "ugly thing," but the original is "ugly state," so I suppose you
meant /Dotlh moH/ "ugly status."
> toD'a' lolaHbe'
I'll accept that for "worthless salvation."
> reH ngablaH
The original is "always dissoluble." How about /reH DuchenHa'moHlu'/ "One
always causes you to un-take form"?
> 'e'mo' leghchoHchu'be'
Ick. We don't know how correct that is. For "concealing and veiling," how
about /So'taHbogh Doch 'ej Doch leghlaHbe'taHbogh vay'/ "thing which is
hiding and thing which one cannot see"? A bit wordy . . . .
> jIHvaD bochtaH
You lost the "also" of the original. /jIHvaD bochtaH je/ "It is also
shining for me."
> DaH qastaHvIS Quj, mIghlIjDaq tuQbe'bogh DubwIj'e' vIqeng
Capitalize the /S/.
I also don't have a good translation for "wickedness," but /mIgh/ is a verb,
not a noun. How about /mIghchu'ghachlIjDaq/ "in your complete evilness"?
> SuD qeS DaneH
"You call upon a casting of lots" is kind of tough. This is ungrammatical;
it would have to be /SuDmeH qeS DaneH/ "You want gambling advice"; but it's
not particularly right for the original meaning. Without getting wordy, I
don't have a good alternative.
> 'ej jIHHa' povtaHghach
Yikes! No, this doesn't work, but the original is pretty wacky too. I'd go
for something like /povtaHghach'e' DaH jIHHa'taHbogh/. Yuck.
> 'e' vInej 'ej jIluj
Drop the /'e'/. /vInej 'ej jIluj/ "I seek it and I fail."
> reH vIjoy'lu
maj!
> qaStaHvIS repvam, mImbe'vIS
You can't use /-vIS/ without /-taH/. I'd change the subordinate bits to a
main sentence: /qaStaHvIS repvam bImImbe'/ "You do not delay during this
hour."
> moqtaHbogh tIqwIj DaHot
The problem here is that I believe you /moq/ something; the something does
not /moq/. /tIqwIj moqlu'taHbogh DaHot/ "You touch my heart which one
beats" sounds a little odd though . . . .
> batlh SanDaq Sachmo' povtaHghach
"Excellence" spreads bravely through destiny? Okay. That bit is a little
confusing to me.
> reH jImoqvIS moq povtaHghach
Using things I've cited before, I'd change this to /reH vImoqlu'taHvIS
povtaHghach moqlu'/. It still sounds silly to talk about these things being
beaten, though.
David
Stardate 2701.1