Re: Do'meHghach

["David Trimboli" <SuStel@hotmail.com>]

I haven't seen a response to this, probably because it is well beyond the
normal functions of the KLBC header it was posted under.  Therefore, I hope
the BG forgives me for stepping in.

From: "Kevin Brake" <ekarb@hotmail.com>

> Greetings,
> I got the idea to translate O Fortuna from Carmina Burana, so I did.

Translating something like this is bound to come out badly -- poetry and
song never really translate well.  Nonetheless, here are some of my
comments.  I haven't attempted to critique them on their artistic value; I'm
not sure how to judge it.

> Do'meHghach

You say the literal translation of this is "the cause of luck," so I presume
you meant /Do'moHghach/.  Still, I have no idea how to translate a word with
both /-moH/ and /-ghach/ in it.  I don't think it's "the cause of luck."

Maybe something like /San Sovlu'be'bogh/ "unknown fate" could work here.

> dotlh choHtaH, maS rur

Capitalize the /D/, of course.

> reH tInchoHtaH ghap machchoHtaH

The /-taH/'s here aren't really doing much; the /reH/ takes care of the
"always" part.  Also, you've got the wrong conjunction.

reH tInchoH pagh machchoH
It is always getting bigger or smaller.

> yIn qabbej

We don't know that we can add Type 6 suffixes to verbs acting adjectivally,
but we DO know that we can add rovers to them.  Try /yIn qabqu'/ "very bad
life."

> DaH HubtaH

Instead of "Now it is defending" for "now holding out," how about /DaH
SIQtaH/ "Now it is enduring"?

> vaj yab jej DaSujchoHmeH qujmey lo'taH

The /vaj/ here is wrong; the line is "and then troubling / the keen mind
with games."  This kind of "then" is represented by /ghIq/.

Capitalize the /Q/ in /Qujmey/.

/DaSujchoHmeH/ "in order that you begin to be troubled it" is clearly
nonsensical.  A possible translation might be /ghIq yab jej SaHmoHmeH Qujmey
lo'taH/ "Then it is using games to concern the keen mind."

Good use of /yab jej/.

> chepHa'ghach woQ je tet, chuch rur

I like the word /chepHa'ghach/ for "poverty"!

/tet/ means "melt," not "be melted," so the word order you want here is /tet
chepHa'ghach woQ je; chuch rur/ "poverty and power melt like ice."

Nice use of similies!

> SaHbeghach San chIchHa'

I'm not sure why you tried to use a /-ghach/'d verb here.  I also think you
meant /chIm/, not /chIch/.  For "Inhuman and empty fate," I might try
/SaHbe'bogh San 'ej chImbogh/ "Uncaring and empty fate."

> jIrbogh jIrwI' saH

You meant /SoH/, not /SaH/, I think.  /jIrbogh jIrwI'/ "rotating thing which
rotates" seems a little redundant to me; besides, we now have a word for
"wheel": /rutlh/.  /jIrtaHbogh rutlh SoH/ "You are a rotating wheel."
(Notice also the /-taH/, which makes it a wheel in motion.)

> Doch moH

This is "ugly thing," but the original is "ugly state," so I suppose you
meant /Dotlh moH/ "ugly status."

> toD'a' lolaHbe'

I'll accept that for "worthless salvation."

> reH ngablaH

The original is "always dissoluble."  How about /reH DuchenHa'moHlu'/ "One
always causes you to un-take form"?

> 'e'mo' leghchoHchu'be'

Ick.  We don't know how correct that is.  For "concealing and veiling," how
about /So'taHbogh Doch 'ej Doch leghlaHbe'taHbogh vay'/ "thing which is
hiding and thing which one cannot see"?  A bit wordy . . . .

> jIHvaD bochtaH

You lost the "also" of the original.  /jIHvaD bochtaH je/ "It is also
shining for me."

> DaH qastaHvIS Quj, mIghlIjDaq tuQbe'bogh DubwIj'e' vIqeng

Capitalize the /S/.

I also don't have a good translation for "wickedness," but /mIgh/ is a verb,
not a noun.  How about /mIghchu'ghachlIjDaq/ "in your complete evilness"?

> SuD qeS DaneH

"You call upon a casting of lots" is kind of tough.  This is ungrammatical;
it would have to be /SuDmeH qeS DaneH/ "You want gambling advice"; but it's
not particularly right for the original meaning.  Without getting wordy, I
don't have a good alternative.

> 'ej jIHHa' povtaHghach

Yikes!  No, this doesn't work, but the original is pretty wacky too.  I'd go
for something like /povtaHghach'e' DaH jIHHa'taHbogh/.  Yuck.

> 'e' vInej 'ej jIluj

Drop the /'e'/.  /vInej 'ej jIluj/ "I seek it and I fail."

> reH vIjoy'lu

maj!

> qaStaHvIS repvam, mImbe'vIS

You can't use /-vIS/ without /-taH/.  I'd change the subordinate bits to a
main sentence: /qaStaHvIS repvam bImImbe'/ "You do not delay during this
hour."

> moqtaHbogh tIqwIj DaHot

The problem here is that I believe you /moq/ something; the something does
not /moq/.  /tIqwIj moqlu'taHbogh DaHot/ "You touch my heart which one
beats" sounds a little odd though . . . .

> batlh SanDaq Sachmo' povtaHghach

"Excellence" spreads bravely through destiny?  Okay.  That bit is a little
confusing to me.

> reH jImoqvIS moq povtaHghach

Using things I've cited before, I'd change this to /reH vImoqlu'taHvIS
povtaHghach moqlu'/.  It still sounds silly to talk about these things being
beaten, though.

David
Stardate 2701.1