tlhIngan-Hol Archive: Wed Nov 22 07:46:41 1995
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Re: One more try with this ballad...
>Date: Tue, 21 Nov 1995 18:25:09 -0800
>From: "Christian Matzke" <[email protected]>
>Okay... Ignore the earlier versions, *this* one shouldn't be messed up.
>HIvqa' veqlargh....
>**********************************************************
Excellent work! I have some comments though...
>The War Ballad of Koloth (qolotlh veS bom)
>lommeymo' may' yotlh legh'be'lu'
> Corpses liter the battle field
Took me a second on this, because your translation isn't literal... and
well it shouldn't be! This is great.
>ngechmey teb 'Iwchaj
> Their blood fills the vale
>porghmeyvo' vIH SeS 'e'mo' chal leghbe'lu'chu'
> Steam rises from the bodies; obscuring the sky
This is bad. Okrand says that "'e'" is only used as an *object*, not as a
purpose. There's no evidence that we can ever use "'e'" with any type-5
suffixes... and I don't see that we'd need to. If you mean "because of
that", why not stick the *verb* suffix -mo' on the verb of the first
sentence? "porghmeyvo' vIHmo' SeS chal leghbe'lu'chu'".
>chal qIjmoHtaH tlhIch
> Smoke blackens the heavens
I think maybe just qIjmoH; I'm not concerned that it's continuously
blackening them. It makes it sound not like it's keeping them black but
like the process of blackening is ongoing. Just a style thing, I guess.
>jaghpu'chaj chop SuvwI'pu' 'etlhmey
> Warriors' blades bite their enemies
>yoD paw' yoD
> Shield colides with shield
>'etlh bot 'etlh
> Sword blocks sword
>jach 'Iwchaj
> Their blood screams
Things like this could use -taH, though, to underscore the ongoing battle.
>nIvwI'Daj qIH SuvwI'
> An enemy meets his match
Nice.
>'ej tortaHvIS Hegh
> And dies on his knees
>qolotlh, SuvwI'na', 'etlhDaj Say'moH
> Koloth, the warrior, wipes his blade clean
You're trying to force English word-order here. The subject of a Klingon
sentence comes *after* the verb, not before the object. *Maybe*, on a
good day, I could agree with punctuation like "qolotlh, SuvwI'na'! 'etlhDaj
Say'moH" (i.e. a sentence-fragment: Koloth, the warrior. He wipes his
blade clean).
>nIteb jaghmeyDajDaq ghIr
> He descends on his enemies
I'd just use HIv; "descending on" is an idiom.
>tIqDaj luQeq DuQwI'naQmeychaj
> Their spears aim for his heart
The canon use of "Qeq" has as its subject the person aiming and as its
object the thing being aimed (something about "aiming a missile perfectly"
in CK). Oooh, maybe "tIqDaj luDuQbeH tajchaj" (I think "DuQwI'naQ" is
overly wordy; maybe something else if it HAS to be a spear). We don't get
to use -beH much.
>Hom ghor baS
> Metal breaks bone
>DIr Surgh pach
> Claw rips flesh
>jach 'Iwchaj
> Their blood screams
more -taHs?
>nIteb jagh charghta'bogh Dung Qam qolotlh
> Koloth stands alone above the vanquished
"Qam" doesn't take an object. You're describing *where* he stands; you
need "-Daq": nIteb jagh charghta'bogh DungDaq Qam qolotlh"
>luQIDta' jIvmoH
> He ignores his wounds
"They have stabbed him. He makes them ignorant." These are two unlinked
sentences. You need "'e'" or something. And jIvmoH is probably the wrong
word. How about "luQIDta' 'e' qImHa'" or "'oy' qImHa'"?
>may' yotlhDaq 'Iw jagh joqwI' nej
> He searches the battle field for the banner
> of his blood enemy
I'd probably puzzle over "'Iw jagh" for quite a while, but that's me. I'm
glad you didn't feel the need to put possessives on everything. It's a
very English thing to do, to say "his enemy", "her hands" all the time when
we know very well from context whose we're talking about. I don't miss
them when they're dropped.
>'Iw veSmo' luQojtaH
> They make war to settle a blood fued
>ghol rI' 'ej qorDu' quvvaD tonSaw' tagh
> He hails his adversary and begins the fight for
> his family's honor
*Maybe* "qorDu' quvmo'" would be better.
>Quch mup Quch
> Forehead strikes forehead
Good use of mup.
>'Iw DuD 'Iw
> Blood mingles with blood
>jach 'Iwchaj
> Their blood screams
>Qap qoloth, taH qorDu'Daj quv
> Koloth is the victor, his family's honor endures
These are two sentences; I suppose a schoolmarm (or school~mark? :-)) would
accuse you of making a comma splice.
>vaHvo' taj lel 'ej DaQDaj chIpDI' chev
> He draws his knife from its sheath and cuts off
> his ponytail
>gholDaj lomDaq jIb chagh
> He drops the hair on the body of his adversary
>qoloth ghomDI' vajpu'Daj ghu' luchenmoH
> Koloth's warriors form a circle around him
"gho" is circle. "ghu'" is situation. Maybe "qolotlh luDech[choH] vajDaj"?
Not sure why I want the -choH.
>rInpu' may' 'ej quv leHchu'
> The battle is over, honor has been maintained
Should it luleHchu', if *they* maintain the honor?
jach 'IwwIj.
~mark