tlhIngan-Hol Archive: Sun Nov 26 13:21:37 1995

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Re: One more try with this ballad...

On 22 Nov 95 at 8:00, Mark E. Shoulson <[email protected]> wrote:
> 
> Excellent work!  I have some comments though...

Thanks! Your critisisms are always welcome:

> >lommeymo' may' yotlh legh'be'lu'
> >	     Corpses liter the battle field
> 
> Took me a second on this, because your translation isn't literal... and
> well it shouldn't be!  This is great.

With each line I came up with an idea, translated it into Klngon, and 
then translated it back into English using poetic phrasing. 

> >porghmeyvo' vIH SeS 'e'mo' chal leghbe'lu'chu'
> >	      Steam rises from the bodies;  obscuring the sky
> 
> This is bad.  Okrand says that "'e'" is only used as an *object*, not as a
> purpose.  There's no evidence that we can ever use "'e'" with any type-5
> suffixes... and I don't see that we'd need to.  If you mean "because of
> that", why not stick the *verb* suffix -mo' on the verb of the first
> sentence? "porghmeyvo' vIHmo' SeS chal leghbe'lu'chu'".

I see now that that is what I wanted to begin with... 

> >yoD paw' yoD
> >	    Shield colides with shield
> >'etlh bot 'etlh
> >	       Sword blocks sword
> >jach 'Iwchaj
> >	       Their blood screams
> 
> Things like this could use -taH, though, to underscore the ongoing battle.

Yes, but I like the simplicity of the three sylables, if its alright, 
I'll leave it as it is.
> >nIvwI'Daj qIH SuvwI'
> >	       An enemy meets his match
> 
> Nice.
The English doesn't do it justice :-)

> >qolotlh, SuvwI'na', 'etlhDaj Say'moH
> >	 Koloth, the warrior, wipes his blade clean
> 
> You're trying to force English word-order here.  The subject of a Klingon
> sentence comes *after* the verb, not before the object.  *Maybe*, on a
> good day, I could agree with punctuation like "qolotlh, SuvwI'na'! 'etlhDaj
> Say'moH" (i.e. a sentence-fragment: Koloth, the warrior.  He wipes his
> blade clean).
Oops. I didn't catch this when I proof read it. Stupid error (like 
Paramount seems to do a lot of...)

> Oooh, maybe "tIqDaj luDuQbeH tajchaj" (I think "DuQwI'naQ" is
> overly wordy; maybe something else if it HAS to be a spear).  We don't get
> to use -beH much.
I like the image of the enemy holding ~ghIntaQmey as Koloth descends 
upon them, however ghIntaQ isn't cannon.

> >luQIDta' jIvmoH
> >			  He ignores his wounds
> 
> "They have stabbed him.  He makes them ignorant."  These are two unlinked
> sentences.  You need "'e'" or something.  And jIvmoH is probably the wrong
> word.  How about "luQIDta' 'e' qImHa'" or "'oy' qImHa'"? 

qImHa' is a MUCH better word! I makes me think if the T-1000 from 
Terminator 2 for some reason...
> 
> >may' yotlhDaq 'Iw jagh joqwI' nej
> >	  He searches the battle field for the banner
> >	  of his blood enemy
> 
> I'd probably puzzle over "'Iw jagh" for quite a while, but that's 
> me.
Would it be clearer as a compound noun?


> >rInpu' may' 'ej quv leHchu'
> >		  The battle is over, honor has been maintained
> 
> Should it luleHchu', if *they* maintain the honor?
Yep, I forgot the lu-.
 
> jach 'IwwIj.
I'm glad to hear it! This was fun to write, I'll be starting on the 
next part soon.
 
> ~mark
                                            maSqa' 
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    "Had I not known that I was dead already, 
    I would have mourned the loss of my life"
              -Ota Dokan, Japanese poet
 (written while a knife protruded from his chest)
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