tlhIngan-Hol Archive: Mon Nov 07 10:23:31 1994
[Date Prev][Date Next][Thread Prev][Thread Next]
Re: Critique my translation please.
majQa'! Only one minor correction here, but overall, I think
this has been VERY effectively rendered.
According to R.B Franklin:
>
>
> On Sat, 5 Nov 1994, Chet Braun wrote:
>
> > I have attempted my first translation and would like a
> > critique.
> > This poem is from the script of a TNG episode "Up the Long
> > Ladder"
> >
> > 1. I hunt in the darkness.
> > 2. The stars my guide.
> > 3. The memory of you sings in my blood.
> > 4. I seize the gift.
> > 5. Carry it to your bower.
> > 6. And lay at your feet the hearts of my enemies.
>
> While I'll leave the critique of Chet's translation to the Grammarians, I
> just wanted to try my hand at rendering this poem in the original Klingon.
>
> HurghtaHvIS jIwam.
> DevwI'wIj bIH Hovmey'e'.
> qaqawmo' bom 'IwwIj.
> pe'vIl nob vItlhap.
> pa'HomlIjDaq vIqeng.
> jaghpu'wI' tiqDu' qamDu'lIjDaq vIlam.
The locative should preceed the direct object:
qamDu'lIjDaq jaghpu'wI' tIqDu' vIlam.
That's the closest thing to a mistake I see here. As a
stylistic thing, I prefer not to use an implied generic "it" in
the first sentence, and would say, {HurghtaHvIS chal...}, but
that is not the kind of point I'm likely to stand up on and
yell, "I'm right and you are wrong" about. It is largely a
matter of style.
Similarly, I would tend toward saying "The stars guide me,"
rather than stick to the more English-like "The stars are my
guides," but again, this is a matter of style. This rendering
is grammatically fine and more exactly fits the English
translation as given.
> Whew! Although I was sorely tempted, I managed to get through the whole
> thing without using a single {-ghach}! {{:-)
>
> yoDtargh
Overall, I like your translation better than my own.
charghwI'