tlhIngan-Hol Archive: Mon Nov 07 10:14:56 1994

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Re: Critique my translation please.

According to Chet Braun:
> 
> I have attempted my first translation and would like a 
> critique...
> 
> >From "Up the Long Ladder"
> 
> 1. I hunt in the darkness.
> 2. The stars my guide.
> 3. The memory of you sings in my blood.
> 4. I seize the gift.
> 5. Carry it to your bower.
> 6. And lay at your feet the hearts of my enemies.
... 
> My completed attempt at the translation is:
> 
> 1. Hurghlu  jIwam

We are not sure that the generic "it" works like this in
Klingon. Also, this works better if you make the verb for hunt
the main verb by making the verb for "be dark" dependent:

HurghtaHvIS chal jIwam.

> 2. jIH Dev Hovmey

This is basically right. In Klingon, rather than use pronouns
everywhere, the verb prefix implies the pronoun. In this way,
it comes out:

muDev Hovmey.

> 3. qaqaw IwwIjDaq bom e

The special pronoun {'e'} doesn't quite work like this. I would
tend to shift this around to mean, "When I remember you, my
blood sings":

qaqawDI' bom 'IwwIj.

> 4. nob jItlhap

Waaaay close. The prefix should be {vI-} instead of {jI-}
because gift is the object:

nob vItlhap.

It doesn't matter whether the object is explicitly stated or
not. You still use the prefix that says "I take it". You don't
use the one that says "I take".

> 5. juHlIj jiqeng

This is somewhat confused. "Carry it to your bower", if you
replace "bower" with "home" would be:

juHlIjDaq yIqeng.

The prefix is imperitive because this is a command. "Your
house" is a locative reference, not a direct object. You are
taking something to the location of the house. You are not
carrying the house itself.

Ooops. You really DO want to say, "I carry it to your bower."
Given the context, it might make more sense to include the
"and" which is implied here and say:

'ej juHlIjDaq 'oH vIqeng.

The 'oH is not necessary, but it may clarify things enough to
justify the inclusion.

> 6. ej qamDulIjDaq  jaghpuwI tIqDu jIlan

This is good. You continue to choose the "no object" prefix
where the "third person object" belongs, but then you haven't
had the feedback yet to tell you that this is wrong. Still,
this is impressively close to right.

'ej qamDu'lIjDaq jaghpu'wI' tIqDu' vIlan.

> Which reverses to:

This kind of reverse translation is a very good way for
beginners to check their work. I think too often beginners skip
this. The result is that they fail to see the problems which
they leave behind for others trying to translate their work.

> 1. It is dark.  I hunt.
> 2. The stars guide me.
> 3. I remember you.  It sings in my blood.
> 4. I take the gift.
> 5. I carry it to your home.
> 6. And, at your feet, I place the hearts of my enemies.
> 
> Specific problems I had were:
> 
> Where to put the prepositional phrase 'IwwIjDaq in line 3.
> The proper syntax for line 3.
> The ordering of the phrases in line 6.
> Vocabulary substitution for "bower" (I used home).

First. As it is, I think it is better to refer to the blood
itself singing, rather than some undefined thing singing in
your blood, but if you are locating the action of the main
verb, it preceeds even the object of the verb. It essentially
comes first in the sentence (with occasional competition with
other things that come first, like adverbs...).

> I sure would appreciate a detailed critique and any 
> suggestions to make the whole thing flow better.
> 
> Chet Braun

Hope this helps.

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