tlhIngan-Hol Archive: Sat Nov 05 13:21:46 1994

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Critique my translation please.



I have attempted my first translation and would like a 
critique.

This poem is from the script of a TNG episode "Up the Long 
Ladder"

The original is:

>From "Up the Long Ladder"

1. I hunt in the darkness.
2. The stars my guide.
3. The memory of you sings in my blood.
4. I seize the gift.
5. Carry it to your bower.
6. And lay at your feet the hearts of my enemies.

I used the following phrase translations:

1. Hurgh(to be dark) wam(to hunt)
2. Dev(to guide) Hovmey(stars)
3. bom(to sing) IwwIjDaq(in my blood)  qaw(to remember) 
qub(to think)
4. nob(gift)  tlhap(take,seize)
5. qeng(carry) juHlIj(your home)
6. ej(and) lan(to place) qamDulIjDaq(at your feet) 
jaghpuwI tIqDu(my enemies hearts) 

My completed attempt at the translation is:

1. Hurghlu  jIwam
2. jIH Dev Hovmey
3. qaqaw IwwIjDaq bom e
4. nob jItlhap
5. juHlIj jiqeng
6. ej qamDulIjDaq  jaghpuwI tIqDu jIlan

Which reverses to:

1. It is dark.  I hunt.
2. The stars guide me.
3. I remember you.  It sings in my blood.
4. I take the gift.
5. I carry it to your home.
6. And, at your feet, I place the hearts of my enemies.

Specific problems I had were:

Where to put the prepositional phrase 'IwwIjDaq in line 3.
The proper syntax for line 3.
The ordering of the phrases in line 6.
Vocabulary substitution for "bower" (I used home).

I sure would appreciate a detailed critique and any 
suggestions to make the whole thing flow better.

Chet Braun




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