tlhIngan-Hol Archive: Mon Dec 20 19:29:41 1993

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Re: HenrIy vaghDIch



batlh choja', David Barron quv:

=    wanI'vamDaq chaHtaHbogh nuvmey
I'd prefer jeSbogh as more straightforward.

=          ta' HenrIy vahgDIch  / HarIy'

I suspect ta' HenrIy vagh, King Henry No. 5, will suffice.

=          ghaw'cheSI'tar jaw     }

If you want to transliterate what it currently sounds like, then ghIloster,
I suppose. Even if you transliterate orthographically, ghIlaw'cheSter would
do.

=          beDfoD jaw             } ta' loDnI'pu'

Since the names have to be fully assimiliated, if they're to go into pIqaD,
this should be beDvoD.

=          tlher'anS jaw          }

Any reason why this isn't tlhar'ens?

=          'eQ'IStar jaw          } ta' vav loDnI'a

I *think* this is prounounced 'eQter. 'Q' has been transliterated as 'x' 
before (eg. Korex).

=          SaSbury SuvwI'
=          wetlhmo'lan SuvwI'

Earls aren't necessarily warriors. Might I suggest jawHom? Or a joH/jaw
distinction between Dukes and Earls?

=          Hunt'Ing'on SuvwI'

This doesn't follow Klingon phonology: it has a consonant cluster at the
end of a syllable (nt). I'd suggest HuntIngton, or HantIngton. (My computer
text shows Earl of Warwick, which is worIq)

=          qanta'burIy qeSwI''a'

Bishop as adviser... I like it. A more literal translation is possible, though;
lalDanpin.

=          rIchargh qambIj SuvwI'        }

I'm not sure about putting SuvwI' and other such titles after names; you have
put HoD and qaH before them...

=          nIm        } nuvmay'e' lutlha'bogh ta' HenrIy mangghom

The people-battle that King Henry's army follow? The fair-people? I'm not
sure how to interpret nuvmay...

=          jabwI' } 'IyStIq tach be'jabwI',  be'nal QIqlIy' ghaHta'
=                    'ach DaH pIStal be'nal
DaH ghaH pIStal... I'd put the verb in, for better or worse...

=          char'elIS DIvI' voDlaH
voDleH

=          monsur le' ver } DIvI' suvwI'

If they're DIvI'ngan, then surely it's *mISter* le' ver...

=          'alIS   } qaretIn toywI'
qaterIn
 
=mu'mey wa'DIch

This is a prologue, not a first act, so: lIHbogh 'ay'.

=jatlhwI': toH naDev Suchchugh qul qumwI'....'e' wIbel

Hm. I'd have gone with -jaj throughout. You're saying here: Ha! If a governor
of fire (wouldn't QumwI', messenger, be better? Better still, for Muse,
Qumqa') visited, we would please it... . I think you meant "it would please
us" 

=          wo' rur rav,   ta' puqloDmey

I take it, "*then* the floor would resemble a kingdom". fair enough, while
Okrand doesn't cough up an irrealis, but I'd slip in a "vaj" to make it
clear. Alternatively, you could keep up the -chugh: "If only the stage
resembled a kingdom...", or the -jaj: "I wish the stage resembled a kingdom!"

ta' puqloDmey, of course, looks like "king's children", and there's then
no verb corresponding to "act". I think the most useful verb for "act" as
in actor is not ta', or vang, but Da. SaHjaj lutghom DameH ta' puqloDpu'!
"Would that princes were present to behave as the people in the story!"
("princes to act").

You've dropped the line "that would ascend the brightest heaven of invention",
which is hard to tackle, I'll admit; what about: "'oghghach chal wovqu' 
sallaHbogh"

=          Suv  voDlaH rur ghaH 'ej DaSDajDaq lo'beH
Mars is indeed the Emperor of Fighting, but Suv is a verb. veS voDleH,
or, alluding specifically to Gods as we have been recently, and using
the now standard term for Gods, veSjoH'a'.

=          targhmey qu' Dabogh ghungqu'taHghach 'etlh qul je'e'

I *really* like how you handled these two verses! I'm not sure whether
'e' can be affixed to je, though; I suspect it will have to go onto the
individual nouns.

Hm. While I like it... these hounds are not ready to use, but to be used.
Can lo'beH mean "ready to be used"? It may just. It's a pity not to include
some more of those figurative descriptive verbs, like "tlheghmeyDaq" (leash'd),
or "crouch" (less sure of this one. 'ej HivbeH?)

=          'ach tlhIH tutlhIj
tutlhIj tlhIH. tutlhIjneS, even, with his "and gentles all". 

=          ravvamDaq leghlu' DIvI' puH'a' 'e' ta'laH'a'

The DIvI' puH'a' should follow the leghlu'. Replacing the 'e' with net will
make the phrase closer to "Can this cockpit hold..."

=          lut'a'vam ja'qa'meH lo'laHbe' jIH Hoch je

How does "jIH Hoch je" follow from "a crooked figure"?

=          pa'HomvamDaq gnaS cha'  wo'mey HoSqu'
ngaS. And I'd put in the "suppose" as "'e' yIHar" or "'e' yiqel"

=          bIQtIq'a' 'oHtaH wo''a'meyvam jojDaq

wo''a'meyvam jojDaq 'oHtaH bIQtIq'a''e'.

=          'ej boQmeH Dochmey boleghbejlaHbe'bogh  yIlo' yabmeyraj

lo'jaj, since you're ordering their brains, not them. 

=          jatlhwI' jIH qunvamDaq vIjeS 'e'  tuchaw'

qunvamDaq vIjeS jatlhwI' 'e' tuchaw'

As for "play", I'd call it a story of acting out: Daghach lut.

To tell the truth (jIvItmeH), this isn't how I'd translate such a work; I'd
go much more literal, and I'm somewhat taken aback by how much you've left
out. It may well be, though, that as a result your prose is much more Klingonic
than mine; time will tell...

-- 
***
"Relax." -- "yIleS." [Three seconds pause.] "Stop Relaxing!" -- "yIleSHa'!"
                                  --- the Conversational Klingon tape.
   Nick "I am not a Klingon. Much." Nicholas.    nsn@krang.vis.mu.oz.au
nIchyon jIH. nIchyon SoHbe'. nIchyon ghaHbe'. nIchyon tlhIHbe'. nIchyon jIHqu'.



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