tlhIngan-Hol Archive: Thu Dec 04 11:19:39 2003

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Re: KLBC 'ejDo'wIj

Steven Boozer ([email protected]) [KLI Member] 

ma'Sa wrote:

> >Otherwise it's very good.  Translating poetry isn't easy, since you have to
> >balance meaning, grammar, meter and rhyme.
>
>Well, I'm not really translating poetry here, I wrote this in Klingon from
>scratch (which explains why it resembles something which a kid might write
>in a primary school poetry class). The main thing I aimed for was the rhyme.
>I tried to keep the lines in each rhyming couplet close to the same length,
>but I won't pretend there is much consistency in this regard. That was my
>first attempt at writing something asides from an e-mail from scratch in
>Klingon. Thanks very much for the very helpful feedback!

qay'be'.

>nIteb yuQmey yotlaHbe' vaj!
>
> > {yot} "invade" vs. {chargh} "conquer"
> >
> > Also, you chose {vaj} for the rhyme - right? - because {vaj} doesn't refer
> > to an individual warrior {SuvwI'}:
> >
> >    The third word for "warrior", {vaj}, refers more to the notion of
> >    warriorhood or the idea of being a warrior than it does to an
> >    individual warrior.  (KGT 50)
>
>I kept vaj and yot here - I want to say "invade" (since I use chargh on the
>next line), and somehow the word "vaj" seems even better than saying an
>individual warrior. "Warriorhood cannot invade planets alone!". Gives a
>sense that the warrior tradition isn't worth a good deal without a means of
>transport to your intended victim. Do you think it works as is in this
>sense?

This interpretation occurred to me too, but I was relying on your 
English.  Now that I know that the English was a translation of the Klingon 
- and not vice versa! - this quibble disappears.

>'ach may'vo' nupol juHqo'
>
> > This needs work.  I'm not sure {Xvo' nu'uch} works for the idiomatic "hold
> > us from X".  (It's the use of {-vo'} that bothers me.)  Try {bot} "prevent,
> > block", {waQ} "obstruct".   Possibly {pol} "keep, save, store" may also 
> work.
>
>I agree, this line needs work. I am trying to create the sense that the
>homeworld ties the Klingon warrior down, that it restrains him, while he
>longs for battle. Any suggestions?

I still don't think {may'vo' pol} works for "keep away from."  In TKW we have

   may'meyDajvo' Haw'be' tlhIngan
   A Klingon does not run away from his battles. TKW

but note that here it's referring to motion away from the battle.  {pol} 
"keep, save, store" refers to a static separation.  We have no word for tie 
down - though we do have {bagh} "tie" - or restrain, but we do have {muv} 
"join (physically)" in this line from the Anthem:

   batlh maHeghbej 'ej yo' qIjDaq vavpu'ma' DImuv.  pa' reH maSuvtaHqu'
   Then we die with honor and join our fathers in the Black Fleet...

So how about:

   'ach juHqo'mo' may'Daq DImuvlaHbe'

   'ach may'Daq DImuvlaHbe' juHqo'mo'

*{muvHa'} might also work:

   'ach may'Daq DImuvHa' juHqo'mo'

Nope; this doesn't really work either, but you can play with the idea.  You 
might also be able to use {rar} "connect, attach" vs. *{rarHa'} and tay' 
"be together/united" vs. *{tay'Ha'}.



-- 
Voragh
Ca'Non Master of the Klingons

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