tlhIngan-Hol Archive: Tue Dec 02 14:59:04 2003

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Re: KLBC 'ejDo'wIj

Steven Boozer ([email protected]) [KLI Member] 

[I'm not sure anyone ever responded to this, so here goes...]

ma'Sa wrote:
>I overlooked a rather obvious mistake - I said 'ejDo'wIj twice instead of 
>'ejDo'maj! :|
>New version of the poem then:
>
>bathl Dat nuqeng 'ejDo'maj.
> > With honour our starship carries us everywhere,

spelling: {batlh}

>tera' wIpuvlaH qoj vulqan wIlenglaH.
> > To Earth we can fly or to Vulcan we can travel.

Good - *if* {puv} works like other verbs of motion (like {ghoS}.  We know 
that {-Daq} can be used or omitted with {leng}.

>jInepbe': nuloSvIp ngeHbej,
> > I do not lie: the cosmos waits for us in fear,

maj.

>nughuHvIpba'mo' tlhIngan maH!
> > It prepares for us obviously in fear - we are Klingons!

Hmm... {mo'} should be on {tlhIngan maH}, otherwise it doesn't makes 
sense.  We are not Klingons because it prepares for us, but rather the reverse:

   tlhInganmaHmo' nughuHvIpba'
   because we are Klingons - it prepares for us (is alerted to us) 
obviously in fear

but that destroys your rhyme.

> > (note: I would've liked to have said something more like "It fears us
> > because we are Klingons", or "It fears us, and well it might, for we are
> > Klingons")

We don't have a verb for "fear", but we have {Haj} "dread", {lIm} "panic" 
and {ghIj} "scare":

   nuHaj... tlhIngan maH
   They dread us... we are Klingons

   tlhIngan maHmo' nuHaj
   Because we are Klingons they dread us.

   tlhIngan maH vaj nuHaj!
   We are Klingons, therefore they dread us.

   etc.

>'ejDo'maj 'ut law' 'ethlmeymaj 'ut puS:
> > Our starship is more necessary than our swords:

maj.

>tera'Daq nuqemlaHbe' 'ethlmeymaj,
> > Our swords cannot bring us to Earth!

maj.

>vulqanDaq nuqenglaHba'be' SuS!
> > A breeze will not carry us to Vulcan!

maj.

>nIteb yuQmey yotlaHbe' vaj!
> > A warrior cannot conquer planets alone!

{yot} "invade" vs. {chargh} "conquer"

Also, you chose {vaj} for the rhyme - right? - because {vaj} doesn't refer 
to an individual warrior {SuvwI'}:

   The third word for "warrior", {vaj}, refers more to the notion of
   warriorhood or the idea of being a warrior than it does to an
   individual warrior.  (KGT 50)

When {vaj} is used, it modifies other nouns:

   vaj toDuj Daj ngeHbej DI vI'
   Shooting space garbage is no test of a warrior's mettle. ST5/TKW
   "Sharpshooting of the cosmos' litter inconclusively tests a warrior's
    courage".

Okrand explains this line:

   Captain Klaa, who took it upon himself to take revenge against the
   Federation's Captain James T. Kirk, remarked that he needed a real
   challenge to test "a warrior's mettle", or {vaj toDuj} (literally,
   "warrior courage"). He was not referring to his own courage or that
   of any specific warrior (which would have been, in all likelihood,
   {SuvwI' toDuj}), but rather to the kind of courage embodied in being
   a warrior.  (KGT 50)

   vaj Duj  "a warrior's instincts")

   It is noteworthy that in this idiom the word for "warrior" is not
   the frequently heard {SuvwI'}, which would denote an individual
   warrior, but rather {vaj}, which refers to the whole idea of being
   a warrior... {SuvwI' Duj} would mean the instincts of a specific
   warrior.  (KGT 114)

This latter appears in the idiom:

   vaj Duj chIj
   navigate a warrior ship ("have strength of character") KGT

>DIcharghlaH nuchaw' 'ejDo'.
> > We can conquer them because the starship allows us to do so.

You need {'mo'} "because".  Either

   DIcharghlaH nuchaw' 'ejDo'mo'.

or

   DIcharghlaH nuchaw'mo' 'ejDo'.

>nuboQ nuHmey 'ej nuQaH toDuj,
> > Weapons assist us, and bravery helps,

Poetry aside, I would insert {je}:

   nuboQ nuHmey 'ej nuQaH je toDuj,
   Weapons assist us, and bravery helps [us] too

or to preserve the number of syllable:

   nuboQ nuHmey; nuQaH je toDuj,
   Weapons assist us; bravery helps [us] too

>'ach may'vo' nu'uch juHqo'
> > But the Homeworld holds us from battle

This needs work.  I'm not sure {Xvo' nu'uch} works for the idiomatic "hold 
us from X".  (It's the use of {-vo'} that bothers me.)  Try {bot} "prevent, 
block", {waQ} "obstruct".   Possibly {pol} "keep, save, store" may also work.

>'ej yayvaD nutlhabmoH Duj!
> > And a vessel sets us free for triumph!
>
> > (note: I would've preferred to say "for conquest" here, but I couldn't
> > find an appropriate noun)'

Why do you need a noun?  Use the verb {chargh}:

   'ej macharghmeH nutlhabmoH Duj!
   and a vessel frees us to conquer

Otherwise it's very good.  Translating poetry isn't easy, since you have to 
balance meaning, grammar, meter and rhyme.



-- 
Voragh
Ca'Non Master of the Klingons

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