tlhIngan-Hol Archive: Fri Jun 11 12:30:18 1999

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RE: KLBC ghItlh 'e' bang

jatlh Qor'etlh

> I was trying to create pieces to a puzzle, fragments, which when 
> assembled become a poem.

> I think that I kept losing the direction [O-V-S] for these fragments.

> Constructive criticism only please. I don't think that outright 
> translations will help, but suggestions will enable me to find 
> my own way.

> qatlho'
> Qor'etlh .
> the Poem follows:

> ghItlh'e' bang tlhIngan
> Klingon Love Poetry (the Dauphin)

The noun-noun construction works the same in Klingon as it does in English,
so you would have to say <tlhIngan bang ghItlh'e'>. Also, <ghItlh>
translates as "manuscript". I think <bom> works much better for poetry.

> HurghtaHvIS jIwam,
> I hunt in darkness,


> Hovmey muDev.
> The stars my guide.

The subject here is <Hovmey>, so it should go after the verb <muDev>.

> bIqawwI' mubomtaHvIS 'IwlIj.
> The memory of you sings in my blood.

TKW gives us <bomDI' 'IwwIj qaqaw> for this.

> cha'nob jInIH,
> I seize the gift,

Use the I:it prefix rather than I:no object: <cha'nob vInIH>. Also, <nIH>
means "steal". Consider instead <tlhap>, <Suq>, <woH>.

> QongDaqDaq vIqengmeH,
> Carry it to your bower,

<QongDaqDaq> is fine, but if you want to include the "your", it should be
<QongDaqlIjDaq>. Also, the <-meH> does not make sense on <qeng> here.

> 'ej tIQDu' jagh vIQot qamDu'rajDaq.
> And lay at your feet the hearts of my enemies.

Locatives like <qamDu'lIjDaq> must go at the beginning of the sentence,
before the object-subject-verb stuff. I assume this <bang bom> is for a
single person, so the possessive suffix on <qamDu'> should be <-lIj>.
"Heart" is <tIq> rather than <tIQ>, and again the noun-noun order is
backwards <jaghwI' tIqDu'> - "the hearts of my enemies" or "my enemies'
hearts". Finally, <Qot> means "lie" rather than "lay". The verb you want
here is <lan> - "place". All toghether:

'ej qamDu'lIjDaq jaghwI' tIqDu' vIlan.

Dajbej bomvam.

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