tlhIngan-Hol Archive: Tue Dec 10 20:26:04 1996

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RE: story, part 4

SuStel and anyone else that would like to comment:

I generally don't feel the need to discuss story content, but in this instance 
I would like to.  You objected to Velka telling her father she loved him.  I 
understand why you said that.  Do you think that the father's actions are 
enough and that words are not needed?  May I suggest the following:

rInDI' vav, tlhup velqa, "qatlho', vavoy."
"SaSaH, puqbe'pu'oy," jang vavchaj, "qaStaHvIS ram pa'Daq peQong."

Still too much?  I could lose the {SaSaH}.  Do the {oy}'s have to go too?

I really made several bad typos, but the worst was {vay'mo'} when I meant 
{yay'mo'}.  Of course, then I compounded the error by using {vIH} as 
transitive when it is intransitive.  I wanted {yay'mo' velqa, Somraw 
vIHmoHlaHbe' etc.}.  I liked that you used {laH}.

I think I've misused {vIH} a few more times in my story, so I'm going to try 
to catch the errors before you do.  I'm sure you're going to find some more 
transitive/intransitive mistakes.

There's another portion that I would like some help with.  Describing either 
hand-to-hand combat or weapons fighting turned into a real challenge for me.  
I would have liked to describe an individual blocking a blow (or strike or 
whatever word you like for that concept) from either a hand or a weapon.  When 
I wound up with the lame "an opportunity presented itself," I was thinking 
that the cadet had used his betleH to block too far outside and high and had 
left his legs vulnerable.  Therefore, Velka used her betleH like you might use 
a leg in karate to sweep him from his feet.  I just don't have to expertise 
with the language to come close to that.

I will enjoy hearing your suggestions.  Part 5 will be in the mail soon.

Deborah

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