Temptress of the stars - text

[Quvar valer <levinius@gmx.de>]

Greetings.
    I've mentioned this some time ago, it's the text to a song. Actually, it's more like a song that 
klingons might be singing after coming back from a fight, or a long mission. Just like sailors used to 
talk unbelievable rubbish of what they encountered, the contents of this song is also not too serious.

A brief summary of the story: 
    Klingon ship finds planet with beautiful lady. But she's a "Temptress" and gets one by one all of the 
crew undder control. When she got enough of them, she lets them go again. But the klingons would like to 
go back one day.

Now comes the text. If I don't give a comment, then it's a phrase where I think it's correct, but I'm 
free for suggestions. I've put some words in brackets, because they are not required, but can be used to 
fit the number of syllables - if necessary.

1.a) HaStaDaq be' 'IH ghaH	
"She was beautiful on the screen"
[sounds like she is only nice on a sreen]

1.b) jIHDaq be' 'IHqu' bejlu'	
"On the viewing screen, a beautiful lady could be seen."
	
2.a) yoq rur porghDaj 'ach/'ej Hujqu'	Her body looked humanoid, but/and strange
2.b) yoq rur 'ach Hujqu'	she looked humanoid but strange.
2.c) yoq ghaH 'ach Hujqu'	she was humanoid but strange.
	
3. Soch nuj(Du') ghaj (ghaH)	She had seven mouths
4. 'ej wa' mIn tIn(qu') ghaj (ghaH)	and (she) had a (really) big eye.
5. a) nuqotlh(chu') ghoghDaj	her voice tickled us (perfectly).
5. b) DubDu'maj qotlh(chu') ghoghDaj	Her voice (perfectly) tickled our backs.
[I don't which one is better]

"Our great expedition failed because we ran into the temptress of the stars"
(this is the refain, it won't be translated.)
	
6.a) tlhu'wI' lu'omlaHbe'	they could not resist the temptress.
6.b) ghaH lu'omlaHbe'	they could not resist her.
[Is that the right word for "resist"? {qaD} don't look good here, I think.]
	
7. ya...wa'DIch...tagh...	 The tactical officer was the first one to go
I found no solution yet. That one's tricky.

8. Qobbe' ghor nuja'	  "he said the surface is not dangerous."
[Originally, this was "he told us the surface is safe."]

9. nepbej, be'vetlh qotlhchu'ghachna'mo' 
"He lied to us because of the "definitely perfect tickle-ing" of that woman"
[Originally: "He fooled us, because..."]

10.a) wItlha'	we followed her
10.b) matlha'we followed 

11. jegh latlh, jegh latlh je.	one by one surrendered
12. lujpu' Hoqmaj Dun	Our great expedition failed
13. tlhu'wI' be' wIqIHDI'	when we met the temptress for the first time.
14. SIbI' nuvuQ(choH) noSvaghDaj	her deodorant fascinated us immediately
15. majeHpu'mo' wIvonlu'	we were trapped because we'd been absentminded
[I used this expression, because in slang it can also mean "fail utterly", and this fits pretty good. 
Does it have the right prefix? I think with the "correct" prefix, the slang meaning is gone.]

16. Saqpu'DI' Hoch tagh muvtay	The initiation started as soon as everyone had landed.
17. pe'vIl tlhu'bogh ghewmey nuje'taHvIS		While she fed us with "love-bugs"
[I don't know what the author means with that]

18. ghojmoHwI' Dun ghaH wIpong	we called her "great teacher".
19. tlho' nughojmoH		She taught us gratitude.
20. 'ej tlhu'bogh qotlhchu'ghach? nughojmoH ??	and the tempting tickling.
[you see the question marks...]

21. toy'wI'a'Daj wIDaqang	We behaved willingly as slaves.
	
23.a) tlhu'wI' be'	temptress woman
23.b) tlhu'bogh be'	tempting woman
23.c) tlhu'wI'na'	true tempteress
[Now what would be the best? I think the easiest would be {tlhu'wI'}, but how make it more clear it's a 
female?]
	
24. puQDI' ghaH DujDaq nutatlh'eghmoH	when she was satisfied she sent us back.
[Can we use it like that?]

25.a) 'ej machegh 'e' tuch (ghaH)	and she forbid us to come back
25.b) 'ej machegh 'e' chaw'be' (ghaH)	and she didn't allow us to come back.

26. (ghaH) wInej(bej)taH	We (certainly) keep looking for her.
27.a) ghIpDIjDaq <yIchoq> majach(bej)	At the court martial we will (certainly) shout "save her"!
27.b) ghIpDIjDaq majach <yIchoq>	At the court martial we will (certainly) shout "save her"!

28.a) luq, Ha'	Okay, let's go.
28.b) pa' majaH?jaj?	May we go there.
28.c) Ha'! pa' majaH	let's go. May we go there.
[This sounds very terran, like {maja'chuqjaj} 28.a is the best I think. Or I drop the -jaj?...]


I hope anyone wants to help :-)
qaDvam tIvqang vay' 'e' vItul.

Qapla'
  Quvar
  ghojwI'pu'lI' tISaH.