tlhIngan-Hol Archive: Thu Sep 21 21:44:30 2000
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Re: [KLBC] [The Raven] Part 7
- From: [email protected]
- Subject: Re: [KLBC] [The Raven] Part 7
- Date: Thu, 21 Sep 2000 20:51:09 EDT
I hope I haven't critiqued this already!
qon Edgar Allan Poe:
>Deep into that darkness peering,
mugh Tremal:
>HurDaq Hurgh Hoch vIbej,
You have one too many verbs in this sentence: {Hurgh} and {bej}. I think
you want {HurDaq Hurgh Hoch 'e' vIbej} ("I watched everything, and
everything was dark").
Poe:
>long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Tremal:
>naDev jIQamtaH 'ej jIQubtaH, mughIjmoHlu'
It seems {mughIjmoHlu'} should be {vIghIjlu'} ("I am scared"). You don't
need {mu-} because the subject is implied by the suffix {-lu'}. See TKD
4.2.5.
Poe:
>Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;
mugh Tremal:
>jIHon, Dochmey'e' najbe'bogh loD vInaj;
I would recommend replacing {loD} with {yoq}, {ghot}, or {nuv} -- no
woman has ever dreamed them either.
Poe:
>But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
>And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, "Lenore!"
>Merely this and nothing more.
Tremal:
>'ach tam muD 'ej tamtaHghach neH tu'lu'.
>'ej mu' neH vIjatlhbogh *Lenore*'e' 'oH
>mu'vam neH vIjatlhbogh tu'lu'.
Careful...that pronoun in the second line should not go at the end of
the sentence. I recommend: {'ej mu' jatlhlu'bogh 'oH "Lenore" neH.} Or,
more concisely: {"Lenore" neH jatlhlu'.}
Good work on this post, and sorry about my long delays in correcting it.
DujHoD