tlhIngan-Hol Archive: Sun Sep 10 10:46:15 2000
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Re: [KLBC] [The Raven] Part 6
- From: [email protected]
- Subject: Re: [KLBC] [The Raven] Part 6
- Date: Sun, 10 Sep 2000 13:44:15 EDT
qon Edgar Allan Poe:
>Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
mugh Tremal:
>DaH HoSchoH qajunpaQwIj; jIHonbe' 'ej
The first line is grammatically flawless, but I have a couple of
suggestions regarding word choice. First, take a look at page 11 in KGT.
Okrand states that that the noun {qajunpaQ}
>implies courage of a rather sur-
>prising or unexpected kind, perhaps even recklessness,
>as opposed to {toDuj} ("courage, bravery"), which is more
>neutral.
I would recommend {toDuj} for this translation.
Also, you translate "I hesitate then no longer" as jIHonbe', which
means, "I do not doubt." Consider something a bit more expressive, such
as jIngachbe'choH ("I stop debating") or jIyevHa' ("I unpause").
qon Poe:
>"Sir", said I, "or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
mugh Tremal:
><<qaH be''a' pagh, bortaS vIneHbe';
I suspect that a Klingon would just say {joHwIj} instead of {qaH be'
pagh}. {joH}, remember, means both "Lord" and "Lady" (KGT 40). I'm not
sure {be''a'} is a good translation for "Lady," and it's entirely
possible that {qaH} refers to females as well as males.
qon Poe:
>But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
mugh Tremal:
>'ach jIQongtaH 'ej loQ bIqIpta',
Consider {bIqIpqu'be'} instead of {loQ bIqIpta'}.
qon Poe:
>And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
mugh Tremal:
>'ej pa'wIj lojmIt qIpbogh bachHom'e', tIS 'oHta'
I don't understand the syntax of this sentence. It appears to say
something like,
"and the minor shot that hit my chamber door, it was light."
There are several problems with this. First, the subject is {pa'wIj
lojmIt qIpbogh bachHom'e'}, and it needs to go at the end of the
sentence, replacing {'oHta'} (which means, "it was intentionally"):
{'ej tIS pa'wIj lojmIt qIpbogh bachHom'e';}
"and the minor shot that hit my chamber door was light;"
{tIS} is the wrong word to use here. It refers to weight, not strength.
We can replace it with {HoSbe'} or {tam}:
{'ej tam pa'wIj lojmIt qIpbogh bachHom'e';}
"and the minor shot that hit my chamber door was quiet;"
{bachHom} is also questionable, as the narrator wasn't shooting
anything. Since we don't have many appropriate nouns, we'll recast with
a verb. I might write,
{'ej pa'wIj lojmIt DamuptaHvIS tam Hoch;}
"and while you struck my chamber door, all was quiet;"
qon Poe:
>That I scarce was sure I heard you" -- here I opened wide the door; --
mugh Tremal:
>'ej vaj qaQoychu'be'>> vIjatlh DaH nom lojmIt vIpoSmoH;
You can remove the {'ej} if you want. Also, {nom} isn't necessarily the
best translation of "wide" here. The narrator may have opened the door
fast, but, then again, he may have opened it slowly. Consider {lojmIt
vIpoSmoHchu'} instead of {nom lojmIt vIpoSmoH}.
qon Poe:
>Darkness here and nothing more.
mugh Tremal:
>Hur Hurgh neH tu'lu'.
{Hurgh} is a verb, not a noun, so it can't be the object of {tu'lu'}.
(Right now, the sentence says, "There was only a cucumber outside.") You
could say something like {HurDaq Hurgh Hoch}.
Overall, a good translation. majQa'!
DujHoD