KLBC: Battle Scenario

[Michael Burrows <mburrows@argus.bm>]

Hi guys me again.... I know I haven't received a reply to my last letter yet
but I'm loving this translating so much I can stop! over the weekend I was
trying to see about my translations of the tech talk so I wrote a scene
that I wanted to translate into tlhIngan. I figured it would be good practice
all around to do it that way.... write a scene then think about the
translation.... it was hard but this is what I came up with....

The scene is that a tlhIngan ship is fighting another ship and they have
just taken a major torpedo hit......


HoD:  QIH ja'!
(my first attempt at clipped tlhIngan)
jonwI':  HoD, SeHHa'taH Hap / rugh choHtaH.peQ chem ngaS 'ay' bIngDaq
peQ chem Qeb'a' wa' lujmoH peng Qavvetlh.
HoD:  ghuy'cha'! nuq tlhIngan mu'meyDaq 'oH??
jonwI':  cha' tupmey wIghajlaw', SeHHa'qu'choHlaHpa' woj choHwI' 'ej jor
pIvghor.
HoD:  vaj maHoHchuqqang! Dujchaj yIghoS! tonSaw' paw'! maHeghrupqu'!


What was supposed to have been said:

Captain:  Damage report
Engineer:  The matter/antimatter reaction is out of control, Captain. That
last torpedo caused one of the coils in the lower magnetic constrictor
segment to fail!
Captain:  Damn! what is it in tlhIngan words??
engineer:  We have about 2 minutes before the reaction turns critical and
the warp core blows.
Captain:  then we take them with us! set course for their ship! Ramming
speed! We are ready to die!

ok a few notes:

SeHHa'taH  ~out of control~ supposedly.... this was a hard one....
anyone else tried this? similarly....

SeHHa'qu'choHlaHpa'  ~turns/becomes critical~ please give me a hand
with these.... I was fighting to get these translations.... I used pIvghor as
warp core because I couldn't find a separate word for warp at least to
even attempt a better translation. oh I used choHtaH to mean reaction or
~constant change~. and Qeb'a' was meant to represent coil in peQ chem
Qeb'a' ~magnetic field coil~ from ST:NG Technical manual. the last bit
from the captain seemed super hard.... maybe I was tired but.... I hope
tonSaw' paw' was ok for ~ramming speed~ couldn't find a translation for
speed..... I seem to remember somewhere that  a sentence like Dujchaj
yIghoS could be used for clipped ~set a course for their ship~ but now
that I look at it I don't think it works... as far as maHoHchuqqang ~we are
willing to kill one another~ I was hoping that would be a fair summation
of, we take them with us! 
Well I know this is alot and I know I'm new so I really should be trying
easier stuff, but I'm hoping someone has the time to go over it so I can
learn where I'm going wrong with this. Well thanks guys!


DaQ