tlhIngan-Hol Archive: Wed Aug 15 09:53:38 2012
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Re: [Tlhingan-hol] mIl'oD veDDIr SuvwI': 7 - Dujeychugh jagh nIv, yItuHQo'
At 09:47 '?????' 8/15/2012, Rohan Fenwick - QeS 'utlh wrote:
The final 'ay' of 'ay''a' wa'. Having a lot of fun with this!
Warnings: Killing of animals, and some blood.
wej yap'a' HoHchaj?
7. Dujeychugh jagh nIv, yItuHQo'
Hatlh luvegh chaH lIghtaHvIS, chaH tlhopDaq
Ha'DIbaHmey tlha'taH chaH lIghtaHvIS.
I'm having trouble liking this as a sentence. The
action of the sentence takes place in the area in
front of them, but in that location they are
chasing the animals. I think you're trying to use
chaJ tlhopDaq to modify just the animals. <chaH
tlhop Ha'DIbaHmey tlha'taH> would work better for me.
HoHtaH chaH 'ej Qaw'taH chaH, Qunpu' vaqtaH
chaH, yotlh yav lunguvmoH 'ej Ha'DIbaH 'Iwmo'
luDoqqu'moH chaH. maq 'avtanDIl lubejtaHbogh
nuvpu', jatlh: «QI'tu' SuvwI'na' ghaHchu'!»
vI' tobmeH Hujbej mIwvetlh. toy'wI''a'pu' HoHbe' 'e' vItlho' neH.
yotlhvetlh Hoch luvegh chaH 'ej Ha'DIbaHmey
tlha'lI'. yotlh Dop HopDaq bIQtIqHom lutu';
bIQtIqHom HeH Sum luvel naghmey; HeH Hop So'
ngem[1]. tagha' ngemDaq luHaw' Ha'DIbaH; pa'
tlha'laHbe' 'avtanDIl Sargh roStevan Sargh je.
vaQqu'law' ngemvetlh.
toDuj ta'chaj chavta'DI' 'avtanDIl roStevan je,
toDuj? Qobchugh Ha'DIbaHmey HoHpu'bogh, vaj
toy'wI'pu' toDuj law' law' lIghwI'pu' toDuj law' puS.
Doy'choHpu', 'ach jeQtaH chaH! jatlhchuq Hoch
cha' «jIQapta' jIH'e'!» Quchqu'taH chaH 'ej
qIDchuq, 'utlh toy'wI'pu' loStaHvIS.
tagh wo'mey 'ej luj wo'mey 'ach not choHpu' loDpu'.
tugh pawpu' paSbogh toy'wI'pu', 'ej cholDI',
jatlh 'utlh: «yIvIt; 'etlhmaj tIbochmoHQo'.»
ghIch vImaStaH.
lujatlh toy'wI'pu' «mavItbej, 'o 'utlh; pItojQo'
maH. 'avtanDIl'e' Darur SoH 'e'
wImaqlaHbe'neS[2]. 'e' wIja'mo' chaq juHoH 'ach teHtaH 'ej nIboQbe' Heghmaj.
yoHbej.
Ha'DIbaHmey qIpta'bogh ghaH DIleghpu' 'ej
DItoghta'; vIHqa'qu' pagh. nItebHa' cha'SanID
boHoHta' tlhIH cha', 'ach wa'SanID wa'maH HoHta'
'avtanDIl 'ej Hutvatlh HutmaH neH DaHoHta' SoH.
'ej chonnaQmeyDaj'e'[3], ray'Daj chIlpu' pagh tIH,
Doj.
'ach yav neH luqIppu'bogh chonnaQmeylIj law''e' DIyIrnISpu'neS.»
DIyImISpu'neS? wot yImIS vISovbe'.
'e' QoyDI' 'utlh, QeHbe'qu', SaHbe'law'; tlhoS Quj QapwI' neH maqlu'law'.
Quj QapwI' ghaHbej. chay' pIm?
vItpu' toy'wI'pu'Daj 'e' ra' 'utlh 'ej
ruchta'mo' belchu'. loDvam'e' Qorghqu'ta'bogh
ghaH, yayDajmo' Quchqu'choH 'utlh. vuvqu' 'ej
muSHa'chu' 'utlh. montaHvIS lop, 'ej tIqDaj 'ItHa'choHmoHlu'.
jaq 'avtanDIl 'ej SuD 'ach Qapmo' Qapbej.
Sormey bIng QIbDaq leSmeH pa' ba' chaH cha',
Why not <leSmeH chaH cha', Sormey bIng QIbDaq
ba'choH> or <Sormey bIng QIbDaq leHmeH ba'choH
chaH cha'> . I fully understand the desire to add
some variety to sentence structure, but I'm
starting to read about a resting chamber under
some trees, then I have to back up and .. okay I
can see what's going on here. "They sat in order
to rest in the shadow under the trees." The way
it's structured, the sitting is done to
accomplish resting under the trees. I would be
more comfortable were the sitting done under the
trees, in order to rest, and were it not possible
to misread it as <leSmeH pa'> Also isn't it the
shadow of the trees, rather than the shadow of
the trees area underneath? Maybe QIbDaq leSmeH
Sormey bIngDaq ba'choH chaH. I'm not sure about
the legitimacy of chaH cha', but it doesn't confuse me.
qIDtaHvIS 'ej QuchtaHvIS. chaH retlhDaq ghom
wa'maH cha' toy'wI', yoHwI' matlhwI' je; ghIq
toy'wI'pu' retlhDaq ghom negh law'qu' 'ej Dech,
ngem HeHDaq ngechHommey, bIQtIqHommey je bejtaHvIS.
Ha'DibaHmeyvetlh lommey boSnIS vay' ngImchoHpa'.
--------
[1] This descriptive bit's awkward and I may
rewrite it to make it flow better. The source
text is disjointed here, but I'm not as
concerned with remaining super-faithful to the
source as I am about spinning a coherent yarn.
I didn't find it disjointed. There's a stream at
the end of the field with rocks on the near side
and impenetrable-by-horses forest on the far
side. Don't know where else you'd put that information.
[2] Working out how much {-neS} is too much is a
really intriguing balancing act.
Leave some room for more if you get someone who
is insanely fawning, but put enough in that one
can instantly tell if someone is not being respectful.
[3] A comment from Qov made me realise {beHmey}
were anachronistic and that this would be a good
opportunity to use the rich spear-related vocab from KGT.
--------
SKI: The count from the hunt is in. 'avtanDIl wins.
Doj vI'Daj.
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