tlhIngan-Hol Archive: Mon Sep 10 10:35:42 2012
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Re: [Tlhingan-hol] *'ap Wizard Dun: 'ay' wa': *ghoSuS*
On Mon, Sep 10, 2012 at 12:03 PM, Rohan Fenwick - QeS 'utlh
<[email protected]> wrote:
> ghItlhpu' naHQun, jatlh:
>
>> Kansas Dab Dorothy.
>> 'IrneHDaj juH Dab.
>> wIjwI' ghaH 'IrneH Henry'e'.[1]
>
> I agree with Voragh - probably best to put it after the name.
Or rework it to make it unnecessary to put the name and the "title"
next to each other:
Dorothy 'IrneH ghaH Henry''e'. wIjwI' ghaH.
Dorothy me'nal ghaH Em'e'. wIjwI' be'nal ghaH.
Then just refer to them later by name or title alone.
>> Hopmo' Sor; juHchaj mach.
>
> {mach juHchaj}, qar'a'?
Also, I think the semicolon indicates too strong a pause.
>> Soj tummeHwIj,
>
> nuqjatlh? I can't parse that.
It probably should be {Soj tujmoHwI'}.
>> DInDaq[3] QamtaHvIS; Hatlh bej Dorothy.
>
> An interesting one; if the door's open, is one then standing in the DIn? I
> guess it works.
She's standing in the doorway, right? I think {lojmItDaq} seems fine
for that. Or take a cue from Power Klingon, and phrase it as
{lojmItvo' Hatlh bej}.
>> puH meQ jul.
I'd suggest {meQpu'}.
>> not Hagh 'IrneH Henry.
>> qaStaHvIS pem; QuplI'.
I think you mean {vum} "work, toil" instead of {Qup} "be young".
>> <<ghoS *ghoSuS*![4]
Unfortunately, {ghoSuS} can be interpreted as a command. I like
{jIrbogh SuS}. If you want to evoke the colloquial term "twister",
perhaps {jIrwI'} is enough.
>> jatlh me'nal Em.
>> <<nom! QemjIq 'el Dorothy!>>
>
> Is this QemjIq 'el Dorothy, or QemjIq 'el, Dorothy? SoSnI' wISop./SoSnI',
> wISop. Big difference :)
<<Dorothy! QemjIqDaq, nom!>> (or {wutlhDaq}, whatever)
>> QongDaq bIngDaq So' Toto.
>
> Can So' be used intransitively like this?
I would have said {So''egh}.
***
There's a lot of the original text being left out of the translation.
That could be appropriate, depending on the target audience. However,
I'm very familiar with the original, and with the missing details,
that target would not include me. Beyond a few grammar and vocabulary
points, I'm afraid most of my suggestions would end up going further
than you probably want.
-- ghunchu'wI'
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