tlhIngan-Hol Archive: Wed Dec 03 20:42:02 2003

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Re: KLBC 'ejDo'wIj

Andrew Marrington ([email protected]) 

Thanks very much for your reply Steven!


The new version of the poem:
batlh Dat nuqeng 'ejDo'maj.
nItebHa' tera wIlenglaH.
jInepbe': nuloSvIp ngeHbej,
nuHaj... tlhIngan maH



'ejDo'maj 'ut law' 'etlhmeymaj 'ut puS:
tera'Daq nuqemlaHbe' 'etlhmeymaj,
vulqanDaq nuqenglaHba'be' SuS!
nIteb yuQmey yotlaHbe' vaj!



DIcharghlaH nuchaw'mo' 'ejDo'.
nuboQ nuHmey; nuQaH je toDuj,
'ach may'vo' nupol juHqo'
'ej yayvaD nutlhabmoH Duj!


I will explain myself when the poem differs from your advice :)

nIteb yuQmey yotlaHbe' vaj!

> {yot} "invade" vs. {chargh} "conquer"
>
> Also, you chose {vaj} for the rhyme - right? - because {vaj} doesn't refer
> to an individual warrior {SuvwI'}:
>
>    The third word for "warrior", {vaj}, refers more to the notion of
>    warriorhood or the idea of being a warrior than it does to an
>    individual warrior.  (KGT 50)

I kept vaj and yot here - I want to say "invade" (since I use chargh on the
next line), and somehow the word "vaj" seems even better than saying an
individual warrior. "Warriorhood cannot invade planets alone!". Gives a
sense that the warrior tradition isn't worth a good deal without a means of
transport to your intended victim. Do you think it works as is in this
sense?


'ach may'vo' nupol juHqo'
> This needs work.  I'm not sure {Xvo' nu'uch} works for the idiomatic "hold
> us from X".  (It's the use of {-vo'} that bothers me.)  Try {bot}
"prevent,
> block", {waQ} "obstruct".   Possibly {pol} "keep, save, store" may also
work.

I agree, this line needs work. I am trying to create the sense that the
homeworld ties the Klingon warrior down, that it restrains him, while he
longs for battle. Any suggestions?

'ej yayvaD nutlhabmoH Duj!

I kept this instead of saying "'ej macharghmeH nutlhabmoH Duj!" like you
suggested when I said I would've preferred to use a noun for "conquest"
instead of saying "triumph". I decided I didn't want to say "chargh" more
than once, and that given there are a few words in the first two verses
which I use a couple of times, I should steer away from repeating myself too
much.

>Otherwise it's very good.  Translating poetry isn't easy, since you have to
>balance meaning, grammar, meter and rhyme.

Well, I'm not really translating poetry here, I wrote this in Klingon from
scratch (which explains why it resembles something which a kid might write
in a primary school poetry class). The main thing I aimed for was the rhyme.
I tried to keep the lines in each rhyming couplet close to the same length,
but I won't pretend there is much consistency in this regard. That was my
first attempt at writing something asides from an e-mail from scratch in
Klingon. Thanks very much for the very helpful feedback!

ma'Sa

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