tlhIngan-Hol Archive: Thu Jan 25 12:21:58 1996
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Don't believe the vile Federation porpoganda about us!
NOTE: Glyn - sorry, but I had to ad lib some of the stuff to make it more
current, and my explanation of what the JSU building was could've been more
concise, but I didn't have the information in front of me.
* the below poster appeared as part of a campaign for Dr. Glyn George,
sometime in the 1970's or 1980's {sorry, Glyn - more vagueness!}
Here is the TRUTH about Klingons:
1) Klingons are nasty, vicious, brutal, and merciless beyond belief,
besides which, they're not very nice.
2) Klingons pick their noses in public.
3) Klingons always use excessive force.
4) Klingons never use hankies for viscous sneezes in zero gravity.
5) Klingons rarely ever have baths.
6) Klingons fart in airlocks.
7) Klingons build their starships withot toilets... it makes them
just that little bit nastier.
IMPERIAL KLINGON DECLARATION OF INTENT
Given half a chance, we shall endeaver:
1) to conquer the whole of the civilized universe {perhaps Wales, too...}
2) to capture, orture, scourge, maim, mutilate, disembowel, emasculate,
garotte, poison, hang, draw, quarter, gas, brand, crucify, behead, and
perhaps kill, that pathetic excuse for a starship captain, James T. Kink.
3) to convert the JSU building {of a college in Britian} into a test
range for live Trident and cruise missiles, thereby vastly improving the
building's appearance.
4) to infiltrate any immediately available human heirarchy, with the
aim of eventally destroying it. {Oh, what a giveaway...}
5) to crsh the democratic Federation into a soggy, amorphous pulp.
6) to make corporal pnishment compulsory... every Friday, round at
my place.
7) to revive public capital punishment and other forms of suitable
Klingon family entertainment.
8) to restrict the peculiar human habit of bathing to once a month
only, in the festering river of one's choice.
9) to boldly split infinitives where they have never been boldly
split before, boldly.
10) to encourage all the best aspects of Mother Nature to reassert
herself, by totally banning all deoderants, toothpastes, soap, washing
powders, etc.
11) to totally ignore all general Meeting and Executive mandates
{organization of one's choice}.
12) to torture all logical Vulcans, by forcing them to listen to the
wit and wisdom of Andrew "Dice" Clay 24 hours a day, ntil their brains
eplode.
13) to spread the Klingon way of death everywhere.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
We hereby certify that _________________________ is sufficiently nasty,
vicious, cruel, sadistic, etc., to receive the Royal Blessing from both
fingers of the Empire, and to be a trusted, ***-/boot-licking servant of
the glorious Klingon Empire.
KING KLORACH THE UNMENTIONABLE KING KSTBVRZHCPZWQ THE UNPRONOUNCEABLE
Grand Master of the Black Rod, Secretary-of-State for Propaganda
and of various other nasty devices By Imperial Warrant, Chief Torturer
far too hideous to mention. His Inimitable Majesty, the Emperor.
from the terminal of Doug "The MAD Klingon" Pandimen
aka Sergeant D'Karng "tlhIngan-dogh" K'Zharn, IKV QOQ'IQ/IKC De'wI'Daw
c/o: Jacen "The Jedi Twin" Cantwell
Mount Pearl, Newfoundland, Kanada
[email protected]