Please help me fix my translation of the "I am the one who knocks!" speech

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Original: "Who are you talking to right now? Who is it you think you see? Do you know how much I make a year? I mean, even if I told you, you wouldn't believe it. Do you know what would happen if I suddenly decided to stop going into work? A business big enough that it could be listed on the NASDAQ goes belly up. Disappears! It ceases to exist without me. No, you clearly don't know who you're talking to, so let me clue you in. I am not in danger, Skyler. I am the danger. A guy opens his door and gets shot and you think that of me? No. I am the one who knocks!"

 

What I've got:
Dajatlh 'Iv'a' DaH? (You speak [to] who[m] now?)
bIQub 'e' Dalegh 'Iv'a'? (You think that you see, who?)
bISov'a' 'ar Huch jISuq DIS? ([do] you know how much money I get [in a] year?)
toH, DaHarbe'taH'.  (Well, you do [would] not continue to believe.)
jIvumtaHHa', bISov qaS nuq'a'?  ([If] I do not continue to toil, you think would happen what?)
Hegh malja' [tIn] yap NASDAQ. (dies, a business sufficient [for] NASDAQ [I don't know that there's a viable Klingon equivalent to NASDAQ])
ngab ['oH]!  ([it] disappears!)
taHbe' 'oH [without me].  (It does not endure.)
ghobe', Huv 'oH 'e' bISovbe' 'Iv bIjatlh, vaj qaja'.  (No, it is clear that you do not know who you speak [to], therefore I [will] tell you.)
ghu'wIj QobHa', Skylar, Qob jIH.  (My situation is not dangerous, Skylar, I am dangerous/the danger.)
loD poSmoH lojmItDaj, bach ghaH 'ej, bIQub'a' loD'e' jIH 'ej?  (A man opens his door, and he is shot, and you think that man [is like] me?)
ghobe'.  (No.)
lojmItDajDaq jIqip!  (On his door, I hit!)

 

It's just practice, I'm mostly having trouble with the tenses.  Any corrections you can help me with would be very much appreciated!

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It looks like you have some knowledge of the language, but your sentence grammar is all backwards. Klingon has it's own grammar which is different from English. The first few sentences you wrote:

Dajatlh 'Iv'a' DaH? = You speak it. Is who? Now.
bIQub 'e' Dalegh 'Iv'a'? = I see you are sad. Is who?
bISov'a' 'ar Huch jISuq DIS? = Do you know? The year I acquire how much money?
toH, DaHarbe'taH'.  = So! You do not continue to believe him/her/it

While those sentences in correct Klingon are:

DaH 'Iv Dajatlh? = Who are you talking to right now?
'Iv Daleghlaw'? = Who is it you think you see?
Hoch DIS Huch 'ar vISuq 'e' DaSov'a'?Do you know how much I make a year?
qaja'chugh DaHarbe' = I mean, even if I told you, you wouldn't believe it.

I would recommend re-reading the section in TKD on sentence structure and then taking another stab at the translation: https://hol.kag.org/page/Basic_sentences.html

As for tense, Klingon doesn't have any tenses, so you don't have to worry about that at all. 

Hi, and thank you for responding.

Can 'Hoch' be used for 'each/every' as well as 'everything' then? I went back and forth on putting it in (Walter's phrasing for "how much I make a year" was kind of awkward), but I wasn't sure.

I forgot to bring my dictionary to college, so I've been mostly working off of information from online PDFs.

{Hoch} has two ways of using it. If the noun following it is plural it means "all", and if the noun following it is not plural it means "each":

Hoch tlhInganpu' – All the Klingons
Hoch tlhIngan – Each Klingon

I recommend using the site http://hol.kag.org. It has a searchable dictionary with extra information on the words and a complete grammar guide.