tlhIngan-Hol Archive: Sat Dec 21 01:16:05 2002
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Re: HayQu' updated
At 09:58 AM 12/21/2002 +0600, Se'noj wrote:
>Here is the corrected version from the last one, in light of these
>suggestions.
>
>
>moghoSmoH veS 'In
>SuvmeH jIH moghoSchoHmoH
>jISuvnIS lupoQ
>Any further suggestions for the poem would be appreciated.
Typo correction: You misremembered the prefix {mu-} as *{mo-}*.
Personally, if I was writing these as fully-grammatical sentences, I
probably would have written the last 2 lines as:
{jISuvmeH mughoSchoHmoH
jISuvnIS 'e' lupoQ}
However, since it's a haiku, I think it works fine here, even if it cuts
some corners grammatically.
I believe that a lesser-known constraint of haiku is that the last line
also makes reference to one of the seasons. We don't know words for the
seasons in Klingon (or even if they have 4 of them), but you might be able
to imply one of the seasons (perhaps by mentioning the heat, snow,
vegetation, etc.) You could try fitting this reference in somehow, by
removing {-nIS} or {lupoQ} from the last line. I think {-nIS} is a bit
redundant here, since
{jISuv lupoQ} "They demand [that] I fight"
or
{jISuvnIS} "I need to fight"
is probably what you want, rather than
{jISuvnIS lupoQ} "They demand [that] I need to fight"
- taD