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RE: KLBC: bIQtIq chISvo' loD



jatlh Kevin Brake:

> bIQtIq chISvo' loD
> =the man from white river
This doesn't really work. The type five noun suffies (other than <-'e'>)
mark a noun's role in a whole sentence, so when you drop them into a noun
phrase like this, they can't really do their job. You do have several other
options, including:

bIQtIq chIS loD - The man of the white river / The white river man
bIQtIq chIS Dabbogh loD - The man who dwelled White River
bIQtIq chIS lengbogh loD - The man who travelled the white river
bIQtIq chISvo' ghoSbogh loD - The man who came from the white river

> Sargh ghaj loD qam.
> =an old man had a horse.
maj.

> nargh Sargh 'ej Sarghmey tlhab ghom.
> =the horse escaped and joined the wild horses.
maj. You could also use <muv> for "joined". <ghom> is for meeting, while
<muv> is for staying around.

> lo'lahmo' Sargh, Sargh lujonqa'meH, 
> Du''a'Daq ghom lIghwI' law'.
> =because the horse was valuable, for the purpose 
> of recapturing it, many riders gathered at the big farm.
maj. Very nice other than the typo in <lo'laH>.

> loD Qup 'oH wa' lIghwI'.
> =one of the riders was a young man.*
Well, if you're talking about a person, you use <ghaH> rather than <'oH>.
You also need to put a <-'e'> on the noun following the pronoun:

loD Qup ghaH wa' loDwI''e'.


> jatlh lIghwI'pu': Qupmo', naDev yIratlh.
> =the riders said: because you are young, you will remain here.

Don't forget the prefix: <bIQupmo'>. Otherwise good.

> jatlh <Clancy of the Overflow>: 
> bIQtIq chISvo' ghoSmo', nutlhejlaH.
> =Clancy of the Overflow said: because he comes 
> from the white river, he is able to accompany us.

maj.

> 'ej vaj ghom ghaH.
> =and so he joined them.

Again, their initial meeting would be <ghom>, while this part would be
<muv>.

> ngem HeHDaq Sarghmey tlhab lutu' lIghwI'pu'.
> =at the forests edge, the riders found the wild horses.

<lu-> is only for third person plural subject (they) and third person
*singular* object (he/she/it). Both are plural here, so use the null prefix.

> Haw' Sarghmey tlhab 'ej tlha' lIghwI'pu'.
> =the wild horses fled and the riders chased them.

maj.

> Hud HeHDaq lughoSDI', jatlh loD qam: 
> chonglaw'mo' latlh Dop, mataHlaHbe.
> =when they reached the mountains edge, the old man 
> said: because the other side is apparently vertical, 
> we are unable to continue.

maj. <qan>, not <qam>.

> 'ach bejvIS latlh lIghwI'pu', latlh DopDaq Sarghmey 
> tlhab thla' lIghwI' Qup.
> =but while the other riders watched, the young rider 
> chased the wild horses down the other side.

<-vIS> must always be accompanied by <-taH> - just one of those rules.

> nIteb Du''a'Daq Sarghmey tlhab qem ghaH.
> =alone he brought the wild horses to the big farm.

maj.

> cheghDI' ghaH, Datvo' 'Iw nIj SarghDaj.
> =when he returned, his horse bled from everywhere.

I'm not really sure that "from everywhere" works very descriptively in
English, and I have similar reservations about the Klingon. Perhaps you
could say <SarghDaj porgh naQ> - "His horse's entire body". That's up to
you. Also, while <'Iw nIj> describes bleeding pretty well, we have a word -
<regh> - which means "bleed".

> DaH DatDaq lutDaj ja'lu'.
> =now, everywhere his story is told.

<naDev>, <Dat>, and <pa'> ("there", not "room") never take the <-Daq>
suffix.


This was obviously an attempt to tell the story of The Man From Snowy River,
and it was a very good one. You picked a level of writing just right for
your skill, and it worked out very well. You had very few serious problems -
most of my comments were fairly nit-picky things. majQa'.


pagh
Beginners' Grammarian

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