tlhIngan-Hol Archive: Sun Aug 25 17:42:25 1996
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Re: KLBC
- From: [email protected] (HoD trI'Qal)
- Subject: Re: KLBC
- Date: Sun, 25 Aug 1996 20:43:09 -0400
At 05:28 PM 8/23/96 -0700, [email protected] wrote:
>What follows is the first part of a Klingon fairytale I wrote a while back
>but never got around to posting. The English translation follows it. I
>will probably post the next installment in a day or two.
>
>wIghbe'
If this is as good as the one I just looked at, it doesn't belong under
KLBC, but let's take a look...
Um, first thing I noticed is that you didn't put one sentence on each line.
This may not seem very important, but if I have to spend 20 mintues
formatting your letter so that I can comment on each sentence individually,
I get very irate. :)
>tlhogh SuvwI' wIch
This doesn't mean "the right stuff" by a long shot. It translates to "myth
of the warriors of marriage". I don't know how you got "the right stuff"
from or for this. I'm not even sure what you intend this to mean.
> ben law' Sawta' neH Dabogh SuvwI' voDleH puqloD chaDIch.
Well, the first thing I see is a typo in <cha'DIch>, where you forgot the '.
This whole sentence is confusing. I had to look at your English to see what
the hey all those nouns were doing in there, right in a row. As far a I
know, you can't just throw "Second son of an emporer" right after "Warrioer"
like that. Certainly not without puncutuation. This looks like "the second
son of an emporer of warriors" to me. Then you have either "which acts in
the mattern of" of "you be born it" <Dabogh> hanging out there... with
either no object, or shouldn't have an object but has the wrong prefix. I
can't tell WHAT it is doing there. It certainly doesn't match what you have
in the English.
You did warn me that the English wasn't a good match for the Klingon in
places.. I took the title to be one of them. Unfortunately, this is so
convoluted, I can't tell what is what. You might try breaking this down
into two (or more) sentences, to make it clearer.
>Hem 'ej Dojta' tlhoghDaj neH.
"He was proud, and only his wedding was intentionally impressive, when it
happened in the past of the story". If you want to say "he wanted that his
wedding be impressive" you are going to have to say "Doj tlhogh neH". When
used in a story, -ta' implies that the verb it is attached to happened in
the *story's* past... so what you are saying here, is that he is already
married, and when it happened, he intended it to be impressive, and it was.
>yejquvDaq qeS tlhob.
"He asked advice to the High Council"
I might go for this if it were -vo' instead of -Daq, but it still sounds
idiomatic to me. I would go with "in order that he receive advice, he asked
the High Council":
qeS HevmeH, yejquv tlhob.
>yejquv Such wej Duy'a' nov.
"Three alien ambassadors visit the High Council". a -pu' on Duy'a' might
have prevented my inital confusion over <wej> meaning "not yet" instead of
"three". Since you want to convey the idea that they were doing it while he
was visiting, a -lI' on Such might help. Also, the yejquv, although made of
multiple people, is ONE BODY. That should have been lu- on Such, not a null.
>lujatlh.
Okay. This would be clearer if you stated WHO they were speaking to: the
high council, or the warrior?
>romuluSngan be' chup romuluSngan Duy'a'.
>"HoS romuluSngan be' " jatlh.
>vulqangan be' chup vulqangan Duy'a'.
>"val vulqangan be' " jatlh.
>tera'ngan be' chup tera'ngan Duy'a'.
>" 'IH tera'ngan be' " jatlh.
These are all fine.
>voDleH be'nal lumaw qeSvam.
It might be clearer topluralize <qeS>. Okay, otherwise.
>puqloDDajvad jatlh, "yI'Ij.
You have a typo in -vaD. I'm not sure if <yI'Ij> has to come before the
<jalth> or not. Since I'm not sure (I know we have some canon on this, but
I don't know what it says), I won't say this is wrong. You might also want
to say <HI'Ij> instead.
>tlhoghlijDaq Qagh DaneHbe'.
Typo in <tlhoghlIjDaq>.
"You don't want an error in your wedding". Otherwise, fine.
>wejlogh novbe'pu'vetlh yIchov.
"Asses these alien females three times"
Fine, although some might say you can't make a compound-noun out of "alien"
and "female."
>Duj tIvoqtaH." Qochbe' SuvwI'.
Nothing wrong here, either.
>The Right Stuff
>
> Once upon a time many years ago, a warrior, the second son of the
>Klingon emperor decided that he wanted to find a bride. He wanted a
>marriage which would bring him high status and reflect well upon him as a
>member of the ruling house. He asked for advice at a meeting of the High
>Council. Three alien ambassadors happened to be at the meeting that day.
>Each found an opportunity to speak quietly to the emperor's son to suggest
>a marriage. The Romulan ambassador said, "Romulan women are strong." The
>Vulcan ambassador said, "Vulcan women are intelligent." The Terran
>ambassador said, "Earth women are beautiful." When the wife of the emperor
>heard about this advice, she was not pleased. She said to her son,
>"Listen. You don't want to make a big mistake in your marriage. Here are
>three tests for you give these prospective alien brides." Her son agreed.
>
Well, it may be just me, but the English was much more detailed than the
Klingon. There were some places where the English text had some more detail
in it than the Klingon did.
I have to apologize, wIghbe', for not going into as much detail with this as
I have done with my previous KLBC posts. One reason is because I was
frustrated after your first few sentences... particularly that first one. I
*almost* dropped it right there, and asked for a second attempt; I'm glad I
did go on, though, because the rest was a lot clearer. The first sentence
needs some serious looking over, and while the rest is grammatically
correct, I found it terse, and MUCH less detailed than the English.
I'd be interested in seeing this with the first sentence re-cast, or broken
into smaller chunks, and mebby with some of the later sentences expanded a bit.
I'm sorry I can't say anything more than that.
--tQ
---
HoD trI'Qal, tlhIngan wo' Duj lIy So' ra'wI'
Captain T'rkal, Commander IKV Hidden Comet
Klingon speaker and net junkie!
HaghtaHbogh tlhIngan yIvoqQo'! toH... qatlh HaghtaH Qanqor HoD???
monlI'bogh tlhInganbe' yIvoqQo'! SoHvaD monlI' trI'Qal...