tlhIngan-Hol Archive: Sun Nov 26 13:21:37 1995
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Re: One more try with this ballad...
- From: "Christian Matzke" <[email protected]>
- Subject: Re: One more try with this ballad...
- Date: Sun, 26 Nov 1995 16:25:39 -0500
- Comments: Authenticated sender is <[email protected]>
- Priority: normal
- Return-Receipt-To: "Christian Matzke" <[email protected]>
On 22 Nov 95 at 8:00, Mark E. Shoulson <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> Excellent work! I have some comments though...
Thanks! Your critisisms are always welcome:
> >lommeymo' may' yotlh legh'be'lu'
> > Corpses liter the battle field
>
> Took me a second on this, because your translation isn't literal... and
> well it shouldn't be! This is great.
With each line I came up with an idea, translated it into Klngon, and
then translated it back into English using poetic phrasing.
> >porghmeyvo' vIH SeS 'e'mo' chal leghbe'lu'chu'
> > Steam rises from the bodies; obscuring the sky
>
> This is bad. Okrand says that "'e'" is only used as an *object*, not as a
> purpose. There's no evidence that we can ever use "'e'" with any type-5
> suffixes... and I don't see that we'd need to. If you mean "because of
> that", why not stick the *verb* suffix -mo' on the verb of the first
> sentence? "porghmeyvo' vIHmo' SeS chal leghbe'lu'chu'".
I see now that that is what I wanted to begin with...
> >yoD paw' yoD
> > Shield colides with shield
> >'etlh bot 'etlh
> > Sword blocks sword
> >jach 'Iwchaj
> > Their blood screams
>
> Things like this could use -taH, though, to underscore the ongoing battle.
Yes, but I like the simplicity of the three sylables, if its alright,
I'll leave it as it is.
> >nIvwI'Daj qIH SuvwI'
> > An enemy meets his match
>
> Nice.
The English doesn't do it justice :-)
> >qolotlh, SuvwI'na', 'etlhDaj Say'moH
> > Koloth, the warrior, wipes his blade clean
>
> You're trying to force English word-order here. The subject of a Klingon
> sentence comes *after* the verb, not before the object. *Maybe*, on a
> good day, I could agree with punctuation like "qolotlh, SuvwI'na'! 'etlhDaj
> Say'moH" (i.e. a sentence-fragment: Koloth, the warrior. He wipes his
> blade clean).
Oops. I didn't catch this when I proof read it. Stupid error (like
Paramount seems to do a lot of...)
> Oooh, maybe "tIqDaj luDuQbeH tajchaj" (I think "DuQwI'naQ" is
> overly wordy; maybe something else if it HAS to be a spear). We don't get
> to use -beH much.
I like the image of the enemy holding ~ghIntaQmey as Koloth descends
upon them, however ghIntaQ isn't cannon.
> >luQIDta' jIvmoH
> > He ignores his wounds
>
> "They have stabbed him. He makes them ignorant." These are two unlinked
> sentences. You need "'e'" or something. And jIvmoH is probably the wrong
> word. How about "luQIDta' 'e' qImHa'" or "'oy' qImHa'"?
qImHa' is a MUCH better word! I makes me think if the T-1000 from
Terminator 2 for some reason...
>
> >may' yotlhDaq 'Iw jagh joqwI' nej
> > He searches the battle field for the banner
> > of his blood enemy
>
> I'd probably puzzle over "'Iw jagh" for quite a while, but that's
> me.
Would it be clearer as a compound noun?
> >rInpu' may' 'ej quv leHchu'
> > The battle is over, honor has been maintained
>
> Should it luleHchu', if *they* maintain the honor?
Yep, I forgot the lu-.
> jach 'IwwIj.
I'm glad to hear it! This was fun to write, I'll be starting on the
next part soon.
> ~mark
maSqa'
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"Had I not known that I was dead already,
I would have mourned the loss of my life"
-Ota Dokan, Japanese poet
(written while a knife protruded from his chest)
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